*Published August 25, 2006 in The Robesonian
Some of the best golf talent in the region has been on display at Pinecrest Country Club's golf course this summer in the Robeson County Golf Championship and the Kiwanis of Robeson All-American Golf Tournament.
Thursday afternoon, however, the course played host to four of the worst golfers at any level. I'm writing, of course, about members of the sports and copy desk staff of The Robesonian, who were invited to participate in the Robeson County Economic Development tourney.
I dare say it's been a long time since the course was terrorized by a group so inept as our fearsome foursome of Willis “that was a practice swing” Jacobson, Bob “worm-burner” Sloan, W. Curt “I could almost be respectable if I weren't playing with these clowns” Vincent and myself, Dennis “seriously, keep an eye on this one and make sure I don't kill somebody” Pillion.
It's not just that we finished last. Somebody has to be last in every event. We're all role players, and we could accept that role. Our finish was an embarrassment to last-place teams everywhere.
We carded an 85 in a captain's choice format, 14 shots behind the two teams that would have tied for last place had we not shown up. The leaders - Tom Taylor, Bobby Campbell, Robert Lawson and Mark Smith - shot 60, beating us by 25 strokes in an 18-hole event.
We were the last group to finish the course, by what appeared to be a comfortable margin. Hey, it takes longer when you hit 14 shots more than anybody else, lose seven balls on the front nine and you ask “Where'd that one go?” more than "9-iron or wedge?” By the time we finished, most of the field had eaten, some had already left, and the post-meal prize ceremony started just as we sat down to eat.
Even though we proved to be the worst golfers in a 10-mile radius, the round was not without its highlights.
I sank a few putts and usually made good contact with the ball, although most of my shots ended up slicing ever farther right than (The Robesonian editor) Donnie Douglas' political views. My first shot on 17 ricocheted off a tree, careening deeper into the forest before connecting with a second tree that shot it back into the fairway.
Somewhere around the 12th hole, I fell out of a moving golf cart while trying to retrieve one of my awe-inspiring 27-yard drives.
Bob Sloan forced me to switch from Bud Select to Mountain Dew at that point. I maintain that I was just clumsy and not drunk, but was in no position to argue with him, having just fallen out of a moving golf cart.
Sloan had some impressive shots of his own, including a line drive that managed to ramp up a dirt embankment, shoot a few hundred feet in the air, take a rainbow arc back toward its point of origin before landing about 20 feet in front of the tee box. Had the wind been blowing a little harder, Sloan may have hit himself with his own drive. Take that, Tiger Woods.
Willis gave us some highlights as well. He was a baseball player in high school, and the adjustment to hitting the ball off the ground was a difficult one. I dubbed him Wily Mo Pena after the first few holes. Whenever he swung, he either missed the ball completely or crushed a drive down the middle of the field.
I had to rescind the nickname after the front nine, when Jacobson's sharp line drives morphed into sacrifice bunts and foul tips. I suppose his 118-pound frame wasn't up to the task of playing 18 holes.
Never send a cornerback to do a defensive tackle's job.
But aside from our total lack of golf ability, our group had a great time. Some people dedicate their lives to becoming better golfers - and I think we all got a renewed appreciation for these people - but for some, golf is just about having fun, getting outside and not being chained to a desk. I hope the county invites us back next year.
We'll certainly be in need of a relaxing afternoon with our co-workers and I bet that with a little hard work, we could even shave a few strokes off our score ... or at least have a good time trying.
